"not healthy enough for a divorce"

[thrrrnbush]

Because I really do want the respect thread to be about that I thought I'd move the other topic here.

I've wanted out of my marriage for at least a year now, but I keep thinking about what that would be for my kids. They don't see enough of their father now with his commute and overtime and I wouldn't for a second consider not living with my kids. So he'd be relegated to weekend dad. I think about them shuttling back and forth weekends, vacations. I think about the extra bitterness this would add to their father. I fear that he and his parents (who are currently very sweet to me, but loyalties are where they are) would badmouth me in front of the kids then I'd let my dark humor slip out inappropriately in retalliation and frustration. Until he and I can sit down and work together for the best interests of these precious children I can't leave. This ain't great, but it's the best I can give them right now. Not to mention the current complication of my grandmother. She's on hospice care now and I will do everything in my power to keep her from being moved out of her room. She needs routine and structure and that same palm tree outside her same window. But that's not about respect or the kids, that's just what it is.

Whether I stay or go there are things I need to change in me and in "us", so it's not like I'm twiddling my thumbs waiting. There's work to be done.

[Steven Barnes]

You're right, and you ARE thinking in the best interests of the children. What you will have to do is continue your process of healing, and losing the weight (which will be your best indicator that healing has actually occured), and loving those kids like crazy. You're going to have to be a saint, hon. You were badly damaged, and chose a damaged guy. As you heal, he will be afraid, but that isn't your major responsibility--that responsibility is to love and provide a healthy role model for your children. Heal enough, and you will come to a place where you see and feel more options. At that point, or one like it, a solution will appear. Right now, continue your process of healing--even if that means treating your husband as a room-mate/sperm donar. He deserves your respect and love even if he doesn't deserve your trust. Forgive yourself, forgive him, and keep on your path.
Don't forget to 5MM! Stress that doesn't devolve to strain makes us stronger. Much stronger.

Steve

[thrrrnbush]

I would never diminish his importance to "sperm donor". He is the father of my children, and father's are worth a whole lot. Besides, I love him. I just love him like an ex. I want to hear from mutual friends that he's doing well, I just don't want to be on the frontlines anymore. I was twenty when we started dating. I'll be thirty-one on Saturday. I've changed, a lot. We don't fit like we used to and I resent him for being the bars on this cage. It's still a cage I chose. I liked the security of his small black and white world. He is like a room-mate, like a brother and I hope to find him my friend again, someday.

Thank you so very much for the affirmation that I am thinking in the best interests of my children. Every parent means to, and every parent rationalizes from time to time that they are when they aren't. As you may have noticed I don't get a lot of support here, and every little bit helps. I need my friends like I never have before.

Thank you,
Crystal

[Steven Barnes]

Crystal, we'll be as here for you as we can. Next time Jenny's coming to Tai Chi, feel welcome to hitch a ride!

Steve