R-E-S-P-E-C-T

[thrrrnbush]

I've been trying in all sincerity to come up with a list of my ideal mates characteristics. It seems like a healthy and simple enough an exercise. But I can't quite get there from here. I'm stuck on my obsession with the dynamics of my current relationship. My recent blog, www.livejournal.com/users/thrrrnbush/7554.html, goes on at length about the lack of respect in my marriage. It's a long, rambling entry and I only make reference to it to keep me from going on too much here.

I just want to hear/read some other people's opinions of mutual respect in a relationship. How much is required? How do you define it? Does it matter as much as I think it matters? I think it matters an awful lot.

Thanks,
Crystal

[Steven Barnes]

What a great question! I'll add my thoughts later--but first, guys, what do you think?

Steve

[TooShy]

RESPECT has to be at the top of the list, however I've come to believe that it has to start with you first. With RESPECT for yourself. As in loving yourself, you cannot give or receive love fully unless you love yourself. You cannot give or receive respect unless you respect yourself. In that light RESPECT is a form of love I think. At any rate. RESPECT is incredibly important in a relationship, otherwise it is no longer a relationship of equals and someone ends up on the short end of that stick.

[Steven Barnes]

"You see it is my shameful secret belief that my children do not treat my husband and I with respect largely because we don't treat each other with respect."
##
You've hit the crux of it, and it shouldn't be secret or shameful. Your relationship lacks love, passion, mutual respect. Huge amounts of anger are just below the surface, and your kids KNOW this. They can read your mind, kid. They know their home isn't safe, and their disrespect is a desperate cry for you and your husband to step up to the plate and stop pretending that the envionment isn't as toxic as it is. YOUR KIDS KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. And given that, wouldn't you act the same way? The only way out is to clean this up--first with yourself, and then with each other. Otherwise, your kids are in deep, deep trouble. Right now, they know they don't want a family like yours--but have no idea what they do want. The clock is ticking. Time to tell the truth, all around. To forgive yourself, so you can forgive others. And then to do whatever it takes to create a healthy home. Even if that means an honest, loving, blame-free end to the marriage. Do NOT place your kids in the middle of a war zone.

[thrrrnbush]

What makes it shameful for me is that I was such an incredible nanny. I'm a pro at this, I expect better from myself. But my employer(s) and I were absolutely respectful of each other and we never argued, when there was a problem we brainstormed in privacy, away from the kid(s). We always played for the same team, ya know? I don't get to talk to my husband privately and I don't feel right letting him lash out at me in front of the kids anymore. It's taught them that they can cut me down the same way. But trying to defend myself immediately is just increasing the conflict level.

All of us are very frustrated with the situation. I just don't feel that my husband and I have the communication level necessary to end it now. At least as his wife I have some leverage. It's a pitiful thing but I don't think my marriage is healthy enough for a divorce. Not when we have to continue raising our children. I need respect (just a little bit) even as an ex-wife. Sigh.

[Steven Barnes]

"not healthy enough for a divorce." Wow. I have never heard those words before. I wonder if anyone has. Ah well...sweetheart, your communication with your spouse (or ex-spouse) will improve as your internal communication with yourself improves. It may never be "good," but it can be honest. Believe me, he wants out of his box too. The two of you have matching/mirroring wounds, and as you heal yourself, you'll make more room for him to heal. There may be wounds he cannot get past, but I guarantee he can do better than he's doing. to find that space, you have to be blisteringly honest about yourself--WITHOUT guilt, blame, or shame. Just see what's there. Love yourself, without reservation. And then start working on it.