Soul Mates

[stormy]

Steve,
I have been reading your blogs with an open mind. I am hoping you can give insight on this statement..

there is probably nothing that says more about you IMMEDIATELY than your body. It speaks of discipline, health, value hierarchies, the way you spend your time and energy, etc. It is also immediately a turn on or off to the hindbrain.

I am a married woman who has gained a sizeable amount of weight. I am being approached by a lot of men. Most of whom are physicall fit and very wealthy. Some slightly younger and others older. When I was in my 20's, very petite, I got a lot of attention men who were overweight and nerdy.

In my world, whatever physical form I am causes me to attract a man that is opposite of me??

Stormy

[Steven Barnes]

First of all, it is interesting that you are getting approached so much. Are we leaking a bit of energy? Oftentimes, VERY married people are radiating a "nothng to see here" signal that turns off interest. Second, if they KNOW you are married, they might be interested in a fling, but wouldn't be as interested if it was a long-term relationship on the table.
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On the other hand, you may be radiating a calmness, a nurturance, a sense of spiritual centeredness that is so attractive to them that they find you devastatingly attractive "in spite of" the weight, or may be guys who simply groove to larger women. There are lots of 'em. The theory I'm using can NEVER take into account all individual tastes (thank God they vary) but have more to do with increasing your average chance of finding someone in a culture where, on the average, a woman of "ideal" body-fat percentage is considered more attractive than the identical woman with a higher body-fat percentage.
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Lastly, is your environment different than it was in your twenties? Were you, for instance in college then--where skinny, nerdy guys might have been the norm. And do you work in, say, an investment banker environment now, where guys with financial resources are the norm?
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Oops! Not lastly after all. You might be the exact same woman, even with greater depths of emotional strength, and be heavier. it would depend on how MUCH heavier. My rule of thumb is that by the time you are heavy enough for the additional weight to make another human being, you are no longer in the range where weight changes are simply little lifestyle adjustments, and are in the range where they signal emotional disturbance. Does your weight obscure your secondary sexual characteristics? Does it cost you energy? Hurt your joints or your back? If "no" to those, then it is likely just a little padding, and not in the range to signal "problem."

[stormy]

I agree with you on carrying too much weight = the additional weight can make another human being. I am a size 14 ordinarily I am a size 6. And yes, in my twenties, I was in college. I am in my thirties now, low thirties to be vague. Eventhough I had gained weight, the most noticeable weight gain has been in my breast.

I work and have always worked in male dominated positions or professions. However, the men who are approaching me are not necessarily in my field. The majority say that I am extremely sexy, confident and appreciative of men. They will go forth and comment to my husband what a lucky man he is... etc, etc. But the majority of the time, they seek opportunities to speak to me alone about their businesses, careers, investments, feelings, etc. This always makes me a little uncomfortable.

I asked my sister and close friends if I being overly flirty or horny or whatever... Usually, I am reserved and read at the table and the men will seek me out. I guess I could have worse problems. I was just wondering if this was a case of opposites attract?? or Because I desire to lose weight, am I attracting men who look fit like I desire to??

I dont know. Hubby is getting a little too impatient with this. I do not want to send mixed signals. I guess the solution could be real simple such as bigger breast but men could not be that simple. ;D

Stormy

[Steven Barnes]

Sexual attraction in males CAN be that simple: secondary sexual characteristics attract men like money attracts women. Men's hind-brains are just that simple. I might be a little careful here: are you completely happy at home? Are you projecting just a little availability? If so, men will come sniffing around, wondering if you might be up for a little play. Be very very careful of the signals you are sending: you might feel the need for some reinforcement of your femininity and sexuality. If home life is fulfilling, and sexual, and you feel deeply and fully appreciated, then just consider me to have my head up my butt. But if not...

[stormy]

Dont think your heads up your but ... I do think I am sending some kind of signal because how often this happens.

I love and adore my husband. He makes me smile when I see him. I enjoy being married to him. I dont always agree with his decisions but I think he is wonderfully brilliant. I am wonderfully blessed to be with him.

As of late, I have been focusing on completing my book, which I did , changing my body image and mastering some career goals. I have been focusing on success and happiness. So this new attention has caused me to reevaluate the message I am sending to other men.

I really appreciate your thoughts on this. Being an enlighted male, it is refreshing reading your views and insights. Looking forward to part 4 of finding your soul mate....

Thanks
Stormy

[Steven Barnes]

"enlightened male" Hmmm. I'd like to think I'm heading in the right direction. Enlightenment as a vector or a verb, not a noun. In that spirit, I can accept it. But God, there is so much work to do.