Crabs in a basket

[Steven Barnes]

Over on the blog, I just posted the following...
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As we change, our friends and families can feel threatened, and actually strive to hold us back. I can say this over and over, but a single letter can illustrate this far better. It comes from a female student who is working courageously with weight and other issues. She's one of my favorite people...
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Dear Steve,

The good news- I've lost eight pounds through diet and exercise. My
thighs and biceps are discernibly toned, I'm feeling healthier et
cetera.

The bad news- I married a man who's de-evolving into such a jerk. He's
getting on my case about dieting like my actions offend him. Saturday
night was cool and funny, we all laughed. I heated up some leftover
french onion soup (made with broth from a beef roast I'd made earlier
in the week and butter sauteed onions, then topped with toasted french
bread slices and melted cheese) for him and a friend of ours to eat.
(HUSBAND) was still hungry so I threw together a batch of samosas (leftover
basmati rice with vegetables, frozen o'brien potatoes, curry powder,
garlic, salt, and roasted cumin seeds, fried in a pan of olive oil then
wrapped in a butter/flour crust and baked to golden perfection served
with mango chutney). I'm a good cook, but these are not foods that fit
in a 1200 calorie a day diet so I got myself a 3 oz., 80 calorie can of
salmon to eat. HUSBAND started to lay into me about my no longer eating,
A FRIEND made a comment about my preference for cat food. It stayed
light and funny. Then last night HUSBAND starts yelling at me because I
had a can of V-8 while everyone else was eating pizza. He goes on in
this superior way about how he doesn't believe in fad diets, or
alternately that it must be nice to have the narcissistic luxury of
diet and exercise, but he's too busy being a grown-up now. He's also
as overweight as I am and looks like a man with one foot in the grave
and in his beautifully sculpted athletic youth he used to look at
middle-aged pot-bellied men as ultimately pathetic. I know that it's
his insecurity causing him to lash out at me, but I have enough
insecurity of my own I don't need his crap right now.

I need to lose this weight. Being a 38DDD (yes, triple) is not easy on
my back, carrying this extra weight around my hard tile floors is not
easy on my knees or ankles. No matter how positive my outlook, obesity
is still linked to diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, heart
attack, stroke... and I'm sure the list goes on. This isn't the vanity
of ten or twenty pounds interfering with my pool-side strut. This is a
health issue and I owe it to my babies to be strong and healthy and
around for a while.

All that said I also need a friend to tell me that I'm doing the right
thing. So I'm asking you to counter the undermining of my efforts with
a little pep talk if you could. It doesn't need to be personal, you
write plenty in your blog about weight issues. And I write plenty of
stuff "from the bottom of my tank" in my blog. It's just a hard
combination, change and criticism. I need a friend today.

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STEVE'S COMMENT: you not only have the right to be healthy, you have the responsibility, for your children, and for yourself. Your husband is filled with fear. The weight is both a symptom and a cause.
If he can tell himself there is no option, that he's doing all anyone can do, he can be at peace with his decisions. But if you begin to wake up, to shake yourself loose, it threatens the hell out of his world view. It makes him feel wrong and bad and ugly and old.
I am so proud of you, and what you are dealing with is as real as it gets. What to do? Continue to journal, and meditate. As the stress ramps up, this will be more necessary. Meet his jokes and accusations with love, and realize that his negative aspects appealed to a negative aspect within you--you and he are one. Loving him is loving yourself. Don't take it personally...it's gonna get worse before it gets better. Fear is a monster. But if you are strong, and slowly, gently move your house toward health, you will find him taking small steps. He is very, very frightened of life. Don't be scarier than you have to.
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But above everything else, keep growing and changing. Reach out on the discussion board--get the support of others who are fighting the same fight. And I'll always be here for you, hon. Promise.

Steve
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I think we've all had some experience with people who try to sabotae our attempts to grow. Anyone got a good story?

[TooShy]

I almost feel that I'm reading my own story when I read this.

My ex used to rag on me about my weight but when I would ask for help like NOT bringing things I shouldn't have in to the house or going to the gym with me, he would tell me it was my problem and to figure it out myself.

Then there was the (also overweight) friend who would offer sweets and such in the next sentence after I said I was changing my eating habits.

Neither of the above mentioned people are a part of my life any longer.

As the heading for the thread says, like crabs in a basket people will try to drag you back down in to the bottom of the basket if they percieve you are nearing the top. Most folks don't realize what they are doing but it's there just the same.

Jenni

[AdamCrafter]

When it comes to those around you resisting any changes, positive OR negative; I mentally jump to what someone had to say about Homeostasis in his book, Mastery: The keys to success and long-term fulfillment / by George Leonard (1991)...

I found an excerpt on the web that has his Homeostasis idea. It is towards the middle of this page: www.asunam.com/mastery.htm

It is hard enough when you-yourself are resisting the positive changes you want to make. If you are unaware that others will, without meaning to, try to stop you from changing, their actions might be taken as malice.

When I find friends inadvertently trying to keep me from changing in a manner much like homeostasis, I try to take it as a sign that my changes are making enough progress to be noticable.

And then do my best to persevere...

Positive Change can be yours, just keep striving.

Yours in Practice,
Adam

[Steven Barnes]

Beautiful, Adam! It is just that kind of thinking that we all need, every d**ned day.

Steve

[AdamCrafter]

Has anyone else read:
Mastery: The keys to success and long-term fulfillment / by George Leonard
?

I need to go digging for my copy, I think I need a refresher...

[baubosboy]

Haven't read that--but Leonard's "The Ultimate Athlete" is one of my favourite books. Have read my copy almost into oblivion. Good book.

[Steven Barnes]

Met Leonard years ago, kind of a spoky situation where serendipity spun out of control. Tell you about it some time. Love his book "mastery", and in fact was quoting it to my daughter yesterday. The part about why most people never achieve mastery at anything in their lives. Real growth is the slow building after a sudden "spurt". Most people, especially smart folks, can get addicted to the "quick spurt" you get when you first begin to learn a new skill. Then when you have to settle down for the long, slow growth phase, it is frustrating.
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There is a connection here to the phenomenon of people hopping from relationship to relationship, addicted to the "flush" of first love/sex, and then moving on when the real work shows up. I'll talk about it some day...

Steve

[AdamCrafter]

Would love to hear the story, when it is ready to be told.


I'm in that slow growth area, here in my School goalset.
I see about a year (or two) of Tool and Grind ahead, good thing I like that sort of slow feeling work.

Still working on getting into the rhythm of Academia, I've been away for a long long time. *ow*

I'm Looking for Flow in my academic experience,
I've been touching it now and then, trying to stay there more often.
Adam

[Steven Barnes]

Slow growth is the way, Adam. I had a mediocre day at my writing today--brain didn't want to work. Sometimes its like that. We have to avoid attachment to the results, and concentrate on the proper path.

Keep growing!
Steve

[TooShy]

I understand that first flush of excitement about a new venture all too well. I also know the feeling that follows. It usually feels like boredom. I KNOW that this is not what it appears to be but how to overcome it and keep marching forward? How to stay the course when everything in my head is screaming for something NEW! NEW! NEW! It's an addiction to that rush. How do I attack it?

[Steven Barnes]

What would you say to your own children about this, if they made the same complaint? The truth is that you can find an infinite number of new ways to address the same things. The "new! new! new!" voice in your head isn't the enemy. The mental filters that tell you you have learned all there is to know about a thing after playing with it a short time IS the enemy. A child can find infinite ways to use the same cardboard box. An adult is bored after a minute. See old things in new ways.


Steve

[borderwarden]

Steve,
so is the key to keep things fresh and new by looking at things through the eyes of a child, AND trying to navigate away from the negative influences and such that seek to stifle you?

[Steven Barnes]

Question:
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Steve,
so is the key to keep things fresh and new by looking at things through the eyes of a child, AND trying to navigate away from the negative influences and such that seek to stifle you?
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I would say that the key is to be the kind of balanced, healthy person who does these things automatically. It is difficult to "try" to do these things, although "working on" these attitudes can give you a glimpse of the person you really are, under the scars and pain and defensive emotional reflexes. Again, meditation, contemplation, taking responsibility for creating negative circumstances, working toward a balanced life and unquestioning love for yourself will heal those wounds, and give you a chance to center.