Sexual Energy

[marylahree]

So far this thread has explored our view about sex concerning ourselves. But as a parent, I would be interested in knowing the views of others about, not necessarily children, (because I believe their innocence is to be protected), but about educating teens about sex. As the mother of two grown sons, I could hardly ignore the likeliness that they were apt to explore, regardless of whether I would want them to not. So I wonder of you, would you absolutely forbid it, just discuss sex with them, provide protection against pregnancy or not, or consider the matter their personal business?

[cereselle]

I'm in a weird place with sex. Thanks to the complex neurochemical stew that is my brain, I am now on medications that (as a side effect) pretty much eliminate my sex drive. Before I was on the meds, I was vibrantly sexual. Now, sex is either a burden or a rare pleasure.

Going off the drugs is not an option. I can't function reliably without them. So I'm trading my sexuality for sanity, and I have no idea how to open up my second chakra with the chemical blockage in the way.

I suspect this will affect my writing, when I begin it. If I feel reading or writing about sex is an academic exercise, how believable will my characterization be? Not very, given that sex is such a basic human urge.

Does anyone have experience with getting past side effects and back in touch with their sexuality?

[marylahree]

I don't mean to make light of your situation when I teasingly say, I'm in the same weird place, only it's due to aging. No, actually I have a disease that interferes with what might otherwise be a more "normal" (whatever normal may be) sex life. And I've also had to be on medications that affect sex drive.

I might get stoned for admitting as much on this site, but I am not familiar with "second chakra", given that I'm a new kid on the block here. However, your fear of writing sexual scenes effectively, may be some needless worry. Just because I might not get on the bike as often, or might not have ridden in a while, don't mean I don't know how. And don't you have real and recallable emotions from life thus far, that you can draw on to write convincing characterization?

My two cents worth stated, I'm very sorry to read that you are ill. And I'm curious, can the side effects subside though you continue the medication, or would you have to stop taking it? A thought: I suppose the side effects of some medicines have to me, reduced sex to what you have termed as, "a rare pleasure", but not to a "burden". Maybe a part of what is occurring has more to do with having something so traumatic happening to you, that in part, you don't need one more thing - sex - to have to think about. In other words, maybe it's okay for you to be a bit selfish right now, not worry about pleasing another, and just focus on healing. I say that because, "burden", suggests that you are going along with something you'd rather not do right now, in order to please someone else.

[Steven Barnes]

In general, I find women are more comfortable turning their sex drive off than men. In fact, I just flat don't believe that a woman's sex drive is as high a priority as a man's. I've had at least four different therapists tell me that when they ask their clients to prioritize the importance of different aspects of relationships, men list sex first, second, or third. Women list sex as third, fourth, or fifth. That would really match the statistics on prostitution, strip clubs, porn and sex magazines. The market for the female versions of any of these things is just tiny in comparison. Now, does this mean that a woman's sense of sexuality is more evolved? Depends on definitions...But I do remember once when Dear Abby wrote a comment about how diminishing sex in a relationship could be replaced by cuddling, and got swamped by a flood of letters--most by men--saying wait a cotton pickin' minute! Cuddling ain't no substitute. She was taken completely by surprise, and I suspect many women have no idea how important sex is to guys, and when they do understand, have a slightly "ewww!" feeling, as if that's evidence that there's something wrong.

Another clue? Look at the way sex is handled in gay male subcultures as opposed to gay female subcultures. The stereotypic image in gay male subcultures is the Sex-as-extreme-sport, how many can you f**k in a night routine (this, from gay friends.) The stereotypic lesbian joke is: "what does a lesbian bring on her second date? A U-haul." Men and women are wired differently, and that difference is part of the economic/emotional transaction between them.

[marylahree]

I don't believe I would agree with any idea that a woman's sexuality is more "evolved" than a man's. I think that hormone levels at any given time of her month probably weigh into desire or the lack of; ovulation might increase sex drive. And this difference in drive between male and female may have to do with cycle of female egg maturing verses constant production of male eggs. I read that men have an actual physical need for sexual relief, whereas it is not necessary for a woman to ejaculate. So personally, I don't have an "ewww" feeling about the importance of sex to guys. I never needlessly refuse my husband, because I do understand. But about women as a whole, I think we are also the product of (oooh, I might be had for this one) religious-based conditioning. We don't enjoy the status of "stud" should we dare to engage in the act with numerous partners. Rather, throughout history we have been reproved, called demeaning names, sometimes even by the very males that enjoyed our bodies.

It is only in recent decades that women are permitted to openly acknowledge that they desire sex, without being made to feel dirty about the admission. And I suspect that it is only within recent decades that women have become empowered enough to be honest with their partner at times when they genuinely aren't interested in sex. I have an elderly neighbor, and she shared with me, the fact that, during the early sixties she had to have her husband's signature of consent before she could have a life-saving hysterectomy - and he didn't want to agree to the surgery, thought he might like to have more (than the seven they already had) children. I'm not sure that women "turn their sex drive off". I think maybe they shut down emotionally should they perceive the act as a chore, or as "dirty" of them, or because it is a gradual process of declining drive that comes with aging, or due to illness.

[Steven Barnes]

I think that women are better at putting sex aside than men--it's not as urgent a need. I've had multiple family therapists tell be that male clients routinely rank sex first, second, or third in importance, while women rank it third, fourth, or fifth.

[marylahree]

I think I would agree to that example of how the opposite genders prioritize the importance of sex. What stands out in my mind, is that when my children were young I was often worn by day's end, both physically and emotionally. My husband worked second shift, which according to routine, often left those after work hours for our private moments, and there were instances when, because I was so tired, the act seemed like another demand of my time. Thankfully I have had a pretty understanding hubby when I have had a particularly trying day.

[Steven Barnes]

I'd speak with my doctor about the medication. If it can be safely changed, good. If not, you might want to work with self-pleasuring and visualizations. The second chakra (sexual drive) is powerful, but could certainly be shut down by the right (wrong) medications.

[Steven Barnes]

I actually talked about sexuality a fair amount with my daughter, but not explicitly. I knew she had sex education, and quizzed her peripherally on enough to make certain she understood the basics. My strongest concern was that she understand when I thought it would be appropriate to start having sex. My answer: "when you can focus mind, body, and emotions to produce legal goods and services you can exchange with your community to produce enough income to put food on your table and a roof over your head...you're ready to make that decision."

[cereselle]

Thanks, y'all. I have spoken with my doctor, and we will try something new in a year, when I can afford the meds. In the meantime, I'm being patient with myself, and my partner is being patient with me.

I also suspect that as I lose weight, I will feel better in my body and my energy (sexual and otherwise) will increase. Today begins my journey on that path.

Mary, google "chakra" to get a background on this way of looking at body and spirit. I played with the concept in college, but until I started reading Steven's blog, I hadn't taken it that seriously. The way he describes it, it makes a lot of sense.

[marylahree]

cereselle,
Thanks for reminding me to google it. Given that this is the weekend, and that is when my family is together, (in a small home), I haven't had the quiet to read about chakra in depth. I have only a very vague understanding of it at present. But in a way, it reminds me of theories behind the massages, and other education, I received as an experimental patient in Georgia. And the massages did wonders for me. For example, my ears had been plugged ever since I had taken an oral steroid, prednisone, beginning in early 2000. A later reaction to an antibiotic in 2003, only worsened the problem. But following a massage in 2006, that night my left ear finally drained and it could hear well again, without that ocean sound rumbling in it constantly. Strangely, I'd had the worst headache following that massage, and a headache is a rare thing for me, usually means I'm running a fever because I'm coming down with some illness.

I'm glad to read that your doctor is willing to work with you, that he / she is understanding of your feelings. Also, that your partner is being understanding. There are times when I wish my doctors could be as understanding about some of the emotional ways I am affected by being so ill. There are even those moments when I wish my husband could show more understanding, though for the most part he does - and I can well imagine that he is affected in his own ways by my being ill.

[marylahree]

Steven,
I essentially asserted the same thoughts to my sons, but later learned that my impact was lacking, at least for a time during their teenage years. What I can say is that I'm proud of their outcome as adults.

[Steven Barnes]

Them teenage years...the hormones run frighteningly strong. But if they understand a bit about birth control and avoiding disease, their mistakes aren't irreparable. Then in their 20's when they've had a steady supply of sex for a while and the body-roar has died down, they'll remember your words, know that you spoke truth, and you might be closer than ever. Some lessons have a delayed effect.