balancing kids vs. cleaning

[thrrrnbush]

I don't know if there are any other stay/work-at-home parents on this board but I'm putting this out there, hoping. My husband can't or won't help around the house and we can't afford to hire the help I want. So I spend a lot of time shooing my children who I love so I can take care of housework I hate.

In contrast the past two weeks have been wonderful. I had one of my invisible tantrums where I just couldn't take it anymore. I was an incredible nanny and I want my kids to know that side of me before they make me a grandma. We've been playing dress-up and using watercolors and making clothespin butterflies and doing fingerplays and baking foods shaped like letters (cheddar crescent c's, yum). I feel ten years younger and they're better behaved. Everyone but my husband is happier. He misses hot meals at predictable intervals and clean clothes to wear. The laundry is piling up to the rafters, and my home is quickly becoming a fire hazard horror story as things get stacked here and there indefinitely.

I keep hoping that the boost this is giving to my spirit (and the kids') will eventually pay off in more energy and I'll catch up on the drudgery in time. It sounds too much like a rationalization to sit well with me though. I'm sure there's a balance, but how do I find it? Am I more obligated to give them my best or to take care of basics? This isn't a crisis but it is definitely an area that needs adjusting.

I welcome any and all suggestions on the life vs. housework balance.

[Steven Barnes]

"Your best" includes a model of taking care of yourself. Sorry if your husband is dealing himself out of that aspect of your life. A few thoughts:

1) As you take better and better care of yourself and your children, either he will be able to grow and make adjustments, or your marriage is in serious trouble. But regardless, you can't change other people. All you can do is provide a loving environment for your own heart, and then radiate that out ward.

2) There may very well be growth found in answering an important question: why did you choose this man? The answer to that is found within you, and you may not like the answer. At the point you joined, the two of you were in balance. In fact, as long as you're together, the two of you are STILL in balance--that is, if you see negative traits in him, the chances are very very good that there are comparable negative traits in you as well. Heal them, and either he will shift, or the nature of the marriage changes drastically.
##
Regardless of what happens to your marriage, your task is to provide the healthiest environment possible for your children, and the child within you. Anything else is dishonoring the gift of life.

Steve

[thrrrnbush]

I would have to say that my husband is resistant to the change. Whether he liked me the way I was or not, he was used to it. My kids deserve at least one healthy, happy, energetic parent and ultimately that's all the control I have.

I chose this man because I was a flighty unfocused girl looking for a safe place to make a nest. He was a lonely and cynical old man looking for a safe place to rest. Opposites attract. It was easier to find someone who was broken in the opposite direction than to just bring myself to center. Something like that I guess.

I'd have to say that the nature of the marriage is changing dramatically. I still haven't figured out where I'm going entirely. My rejection of his dogma has left so much open. It was simpler living within the limits of his approval. Now I have to figure out what I believe- not just what fits in his home. I think I'm out-growing the current arrangement. That doesn't mean he won't grow to meet me. I sincerely hope he does. It's just that whether he does or not, I have to. If life's a one time deal then I haven't got a minute of it to spare. I don't want to look back on my life as a series of laundry loads and nights sitting on the couch.

But somebody has to do the laundry. What I need is help, not micro-management and condescending pep talks. Sigh. Ultimately though the time I spend actively engaged with the children is more valuable than the time I spend cleaning the house. I can catch up on the housework eventually. I can hire someone to take care of the housework eventually. I can't say the same about my children. I just wish I could find the resources for them to be able to remember the good times we're having taking place in a cleaner more orderly home. I suppose the mess reflects the inner chaos well though. A strange thing to smile about, but I so miss smiling.

Well, I think that's enough of my input on the subject. I really hadn't set out to publicly dissect my marriage. I apologize if I ever go "too much information" on ya'll. I just want a community to grow in.

Thanks,
Crystal

[deelightfool]

I feel your pain (and mine!). All that stuff that NEEDS to be done and then there's the stuff that you WANT to do. I think being with the kids would be first on my list, too, besides reading

I've got a housing dept guy coming back to my place in a month to see if I've gotten rid of my "too much stuff". One person's stuff is another person's treasure or work tool.

Anyway, was turned on to this site by my sister-in-law and find that it has overwhelmed me but has also helped me to take cleaning house, eating and all that stuff in smaller pieces. Check it out and see if it can work for you and your family. Otherwise, exchange that husband for a new model!
www.FlyLady.net
-kod

[Steven Barnes]

Crystal:

Do what you can to create balance and joy within the context of your marriage. If it is not possible to create a healthy environment for yourself and the children, then try suggesting counceling. If that is not agreed to, and you have exhausted all other avenues, then regretfully, you may have to leave. There is no way that it will not be hard on the kids, so please think it through. However, if he is toxic, then you have a responsibility to do your best by them--and yourself. Be very very careful to treat him with the same level of integrity, honesty and clarity that you want in your next relationship. You are telling the universe how you want to be treated. Behave as if he can read your mind. If you have to step away, do it honorably, and with love and compassion. This is a tragic situation--and should be approached with the utmost sobriety. Every human being walking this planet feels alone and afraid. If you have found healthier ways to deal with your lonliness and fear, and he refuses to grow, I'm so very sorry, but yes, you may have to leave. But be certain you will always be able to look at your children and tell them honestly what was in your heart without making him the bad guy.

Steve

[thrrrnbush]

kod, thanks so much. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I'm already a big fan of flylady but I've been remarkably resistant to all the self-care advice. I still tend to push myself to exhaustion striving for some perfectionist ideal and watching all my work crumble when I crash. The Finally Loving Yourself thing has been a very difficult lesson for me. It's hard to look at the mess and then at my timer and believe the timer saying I can clock out now. Still it's a whole lot better than being cranky and exhausted all the time. Some lessons just take more learning than others.

Now as to the viability of my marriage. We've put in nearly a decade together and much of it was wonderful. Unfortunately since we've had kids I've been more driven to really suck the marrow out of life, to show my kids that there is so much out there in this wide and wondrous world and I want them to embrace it wholeheartedly. I've moved more towards love. My husband has grown more cynical and more concerned with security. He sees a terrible world out there and he wants so terribly to protect his children (and me). He's moved more towards fear. And we each feel so passionately about this change of heart, because we each feel so passionately about our kids.

I'm still too much in the metamorphosis to judge the results yet. For all his time and loyalty and effort he deserves a fair adjustment period. When I get more or less where I'm going I'll give him the chance to fit in with that. If he can't, then he can leave. That's one of the things that's changed profoundly in me. I like my house and I don't care that he's paid for it, it's mine. I've earned it and my kids deserve it. It's nice that my mother can do without, can ask for nothing, but that's what she gets- nothing. I'm asking for more.

I love the man, but I am very frustrated with the relationship. I'd much rather love him on "Tuesdays and bank holidays" than try to live with him on a day to day basis. Fortunately there have been more good years than bad and we may survive this change. I currently doubt it, but I think once his "can't" stops being my obstacle course I can be very forgiving. I don't have the attention span for holding grudges. Ooh, a sparkly

Thanks,
Crystal

[margobears]

Crystal, your posts hit home for me. Your explanation of why you chose your husband nailed my choice of my first husband better than I've ever been able to define it myself. Sadly, alcoholism was a factor there as well, and I couldn't stay in that relationship without harming my soul.

My second marriage has been far better, but housework issues have been a constant stress. I gave up trying to get my husband to do anything like his share and shouldered it all myself, because I didn't want the unpleasantness of the fights about it and the heartache of feeling like he didn't love me enough to bother to do what I told him I needed from him.

The end result is that after 15 years, I'm running a small business that's our main source of income, while still doing 99.9% of the housework and cooking. My husband has been out of work for most of the last two years, and while he does do some work with the business, in the main I've let him sit around playing with projects and feeling noble for "helping" me by occasionally putting away the dishes. I'm stressed out, overworked, and deeply resentful.

I'm starting to see how I've set myself up for this. He'd do a heck of a lot more around the house if I'd tell him what and how to do it, but I don't want to be too "controlling". So instead I play martyr and then when it gets too much, I throw a tantrum and make him feel like s**t instead. I've got to get over that.

I find it interesting that I expect him to know what needs to be done around the house and how to do it, without ever taking the time to teach him. I wouldn't expect an empoyee to take over and run my business without intense instruction, so why do I expect him to do something as complicated as run a house on instinct?

I think this has a lot to do with the fact that women are still brought up with the expectation that they'll be managing their homes when they grow up, and men aren't. The lessons in household management, and the expectations that it's our job, are so subliminal that we don't realize we're been taught these things and they sit it our consciousness as things "everybody knows", when that may not be the case for many men.

However, that's one of the reasons, beyond my own needs, that I want things to change around our house. Our boys are 11 and 8 years old, and it's not that long till they'll be out of the house and on their own. I want to raise them, by example, to know that men and women have an equal responsibility for making the house into a comfortable, welcoming, and healthy home, and to have the skills to do so. Training needs to start now.

Margo

[thrrrnbush]

Margo,

I have to agree that I share the assumption that my husband should know more about the household stuff than he does. He was 31 when we started dating after all. Since we bought this house in March '02 he's done the dishes three times. The first two times he mopped the floor too. You have to when you use hand dish soap in the dishwasher.

I've only ever had one serious boyfriend before this man. I think our mutually feeling above most of the housework is what ultimately destroyed that relationship. This time I was so determined not to even get into that power struggle again that I decided to just be "the good wife" from the get-go. Which was fine for a while but I've taken on more responsiblity over the years.

I just can't do it all with two preschoolers, two home-based businesses, six pets and no help. Unfortunately his version of helping me is to tell me that I'm doing it wrong. He has 101 helpful hints that he's quite certain will make it all within my means. Sigh.

I've been feeling so guilty for spending time exercising and doing art projects with the kids when I haven't done my chores yet. The chores are important, but not as important as taking care of myself and the kids. That's the theory anyway.

Thanks,
Crystal

[marioques]

Hu! My name is Mario and I feel concerned about your issues because I've been a little less helpfull than I am at home. I would have liked my wife to read what you wrote to see that my 3 hours per day of house cleaning and cooking is more than most people expect. But I decided to do it because I realized that when we had a guest t home that was very helping with those this that she compared me with him. He was a very bad influence by critizising me in other domains. Anyway, we went one time to see a counselor and then by his adise decided that we chose a little something to do to improve our habits. Then I said that I was going to help more in the house and she said that she was going to say me thank you at least 3 times a day. Not for nothing.
She saw my changes but she wasn't able to say thanks for long time. She left me last week and took the children with the pretext that we were financialy very bad, which is very true but she blamed me. Anyway, the situation is very crazy and unfair but she has the support of some friends and of course her parents whch don't really know my version. I was trying to do everything and we were sabotaging our economy vy making errors and accidents that costed us a lot. And she blame me for having invested a lot of money in self-improvement products. At least in these days those products are helping me to deal with the stressful situation.
Instead just complaining and crying I've been reading a lot on the subject of couples, love and things like that and realized that I was trying to do so much but didn'T see where was the main fondamental problem. It was the lack of comitment to each one of us to the very unknown rules of a happy family.
I hope I'll remember them all while I'm writing. The first one is to get close to the other and get rid of what prevents you to do it. For example fear of rejection. Of course it's not going to happend unlees you do the other things that I'll say. And better if you succeed to convince your husband to play the game with these other rules.
Second. You have to accomplish yourself as and individual, instead of waiting for any permission. Third, show your-self completely the way you are, the way you think and so on without hidding anything.
Fourth, You'll support people around you for they own accomplishment.
Fift, You comit your-selfd to take 100% responsibility of everything that happens to you. Of course he has to take also his but don't wait.
Sixth, You comit to have pleasure in your relationship.
First condition, feel your feelings, and express then as what they are.
I would say to apply the Non-violent communication in order to express without hidding anything and avoiding verbal violence too.
By the way I was doing most of these things but didn't make sure my wife new the rules because I was not aware of them my-self.
The NVC is to first express the facts as you preceive them. "i found your sucks on the kitchen table", after your feelings, "I feel impatient" or whatever, your needs, "because I'd like to do something else with my time than cleaning the house. And expectations, "I'd like you to help me to keep the house clean".
As a man I know that something that makes us hesitate to do those things is fear of making mistakes and being criticized in spite of our big little effort.
Something else is that your husband as many of us are somehow depressed.
Hunger is good for health. Better not to eat than eating junk or dead food. Offer good tasting health food avoiding as much as you can things that come from cereal grains like pastas bread and so. Better poatos and fish than hamburgers. Not fried.
If you don't work on all the links of the chain it will break by the weakest.If you please your husband bad habits you are feeding a monster.
Food, fun, exercice, pleasure, affection and so will break his resistance if you stop caring that much about his first reactions. Have fun yourself first and defend your joy. Read and listen about the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-defense in order to stay focussed in your things. If he doesn't like the changes after a while he's crazy. Don't listen to his EGO. His reactive mind is not himself. The spiritual being behind the mask of his EGO is going to like your changes after all. But he will react unconsciously at first. That what you don't like.
Good food doesn't fit with smoking and alcool.
He has to exercice too. To have healthy fun.
Not just watching others move with a beer in the hand.
And be carefull with tv. The mainstream media want us to stay stupids and fearfull with all this bullnuts threats of terrorism everywhere. Ge informed of what is really behind the real terrorists that are the media, drug companies, big corporations and governement leaders.
If you don't wake up to the real intensions behind all this consumption of junk food, junk legal and ilegal durgs, pollution, stupidizing games, cinema and tv and bad new and paranaoiac propaganda you'll be pull down in spite of your other efforts.
By the way there is a book about relationships that will make a difference. Lasting love by Gay and Kattie Hendricks.
I hope you got some hope. I'm convinced that if you apply those things you'll be happy your-selves and the other stuff such as housekeeping and finances will be fixed after.
Look for support for your efforts and don't let anybody discourage you. Get away from other whiners and complainers and try to remove them from your life.
Your husband has to change of friends.
Look for healthier friends and allies for both.
Also speak about your goals. It seems that your husband don't have define interesting personal goals besides survival until retirement. Speak about that.
Ask him questions. Make him resurect some forgoten dreams.
Thank you

Be clear about been sincere and faithfull. I you keep working on yourself you'll be tempted by some sharks.
I guess it wasn't clear in my house.

Mario.