Lynn's Mess

[lynn]

Hi Steve. Thanks again for your response to my comment on your blog. In today's post you asked for more info, so I will fill you in.

I am talking with a therapist to deal with problems caused by traumas. The first trauma happened when I was fifteen years old and I sort of taught myself how to be quiet and tell no one, to pretend it didn't happen and just get on with life. I guess this just seemed like the reasonable thing to do. I functioned pretty well this way for a long time, but with periodic problems with anxiety and panic attacks. Even so, I carried on until December of last year when I had a flashback from the most recent (ten years ago) of three major traumas. This really changed my life. I eventually had no choice but to accept what had happened to me, but I didn't get much of a breather. Just as I was trying to get back out into life, I started having panic attacks again and one night a few months ago, I was flooded with memories from the first trauma. The memories are horrible and incomplete. I simply can't remember all the details and I can't seem to just put it behind me. Probably the worst thing for me right now is that I feel constantly mentally distracted. Also, it's hard to leave the house because I don't know what might trigger a landslide of memories and I don't know what to do with the ones I already have. This situation scares the daylights out of me. I feel like I'm not having any luck in processing these things. I am also plagued with a horrible case of insomnia. Of course my therapist knows about it, but I won't tell my doctor because he will just shove pills at me. I don't like to take medications unless I absolutely have to. I am an alcoholic and I have been sober for almost twelve years and I don't want to play around with pills.

You asked about my career, personal relationships and health. I sell real estate, but my career is pretty much dead in the water. This, however, is also due to caring for small children. I'm probably in for a career change when I get my act together, but it's hard to think about that right now because of the mental distraction factor. As far as personal relationships go, I am very lucky to have a kind and supportive husband. I have very few friends and I am rarely in touch with them. As far as my physical health goes, I don't have any major problems. I do have two slightly arthritic joints in my neck and a couple more in my back, but I care for this condition by natural/herbal means. My BMI is 19.86, but don't let that fool you. I do not kid myself into thinking that I am fit as I have been leading a very sedentary lifestyle as of late. Also, I was born with mitral valve prolapse, which is a slight defect in one of the valves of my heart . Several doctors have assured me that this is not as serious as it sounds and in spite of this my heart is very healthy. It does lessen my ability to withstand prolonged aerobic activity. I know the arthritis and heart things sound serious, but I took responsibility to educate and care for myself around these issues and I am basically healthy and have regular doctor checkups.

You asked about the difference between the way my life is now and what it would look and feel like if my issues were not torturing me. Since the memories, I have become very disorganized. Sometimes due to feeling mentally distracted, it is difficult to concentrate on everyday things like balancing the checkbook and paying the bills. My house is starting to get messy and I am just not used to this. It's upsetting that I feel incapable of keeping things up the way I used to. I have also been scared away from the thing I love most. I abandoned my second novel because my writing is contaminated by the trauma. To sum up, if this issue were not troubling me, I would be writing. I would be organized and so would my home. I would have a more normal sleeping schedule. I wouldn't swing between being scared and then being depressed when I realize how much the fear is crippling me. I would be able to go out and do things with my family and have fun. I would be more physically involved with my husband. I would also quit smoking again. I can't believe I allowed myself to pick that back up.

Well, there you have it. This is my mess. I would be extremely grateful for any advice you may offer, and yes, I absolutely PROMISE to run everything by my therapist. Steve, thank you so much for caring enough to inquire about the situation and offer possible help. Lynn

[Steven Barnes]

Dear Lynn--

Everything I'm about to say should be shared with your therapist, with the understanding that I offer it as someone who has studied the human condition sincerely, but not as a licensed professional. With that caveat, I'll go on.
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The trick to my approach to health is a belief that
1) there lies within you a seed of perfect health, no matter how far into the past you have to go to find it.
2) There lies in your future a better, healthier you, no matter how difficult it may be to believe it.
3) That if you can connect these two, you can find the internal resources necessary to change.
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You are in an excellent position in the sense that you are searching for answers, and would ask a total stranger! Good for you. Listen to opinions, but be VERY careful (I'm so glad you have a therapist/ally!)

Here is what I would suggest:
1) Body. Start here, because any real emotional change will HAVE to impact your body. Create an image of your perfect body, and the habits that support such ideal health. Begin to slowly, at a rate of about 1% per week, move toward that health. I would strongly suggest seeking out a Bikram-style yoga class, due to its powerful detoxifying effects. SLOWLY begin to approach a healthy lifestyle.

2) Emotions. Your husband and family are core here.Therapy should include him. One of the goals is a healthy, bountiful sexual relationship with him--which I suspect will force you to heal on deep levels. Every day should start and end with 15 minutes of "Heartbeat" meditation--just sitting and listening to your heartbeat. This will be HARD, as your mind throws endless garbage at you, trying to convince you this is silly and stupid and a waste of time. Keep a journal of your dreams, and the thoughts that come to you during the day.
Commit to loving yourself without question, as if you were your own most precious child.

3) Mind. Study the lives of people who have suffered similar wounds, and gone on to having healthy, balanced, productive lives. Commit to healing, and sharing--through your writing--what you discover, so as to help other people. There is strength here. If you can, purchase the LIFEWRITING YEAR LONG course, which will help you create the link between your inner and outer worlds.
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We're all damaged children, Lynn. And we're all beings of perfect light. The trick is to hold both thoughts in your mind at the same time. Walk the road of your life with the power of the beautiful, sensual female animal it is your birthright to be.
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Read over what I've said several times. Keep what is useful. Discard the rest. Blessings to you, sweetheart, and all the luck in the world.

Steve

[lynn]

Dear Steve, thank you very much for your thoughtful response. I have stopped by here often during the last week to read it. I think what you have said makes a lot of sense. What you wrote about perfect health and reaching into the future and the past to connect with it really struck a chord with me. I believe I was trying to do that in the novel I abandoned. Yeah, said novel contains a time machine! This tickles me. Perhaps people have a natural instinct about where they need to look for their healing? My therapist has said many times that he thinks it might be helpful to continue with the story. I have been discussing this with him again after reading your reply and I think I may be ready to allow myself this work.

There are other things in your response that may be useful as well, but I'm a slow mover right now. Thanks again, Steve. I'm glad I took a chance and wrote that note. It's been a long time since I felt hopeful. If it's ok, perhaps I can pop in over here from time to time. Lynn

[Steven Barnes]

Any time you want, Lynn. This forum is for people who want to create their own lives in balance, energy, and a certain degree of artistic grace. We share thoughts here, and you are always welcome to share yours, so long as you have the goal of a balanced, healthy life.

Steve